It’s Easy To Be Romantic

by Zen Habits

Look for little, inexpensive ways to be romantic, and it will pay off for your relationship in innumerable ways.

Why inexpensive? Well, you could rent a limo and take your love to a snooty French restaurant, or whisk him or her off to a trip to the snow-capped Alps, or rent a stadium and have the Three Tenors sing love songs for you while the New York Philharmonic plays in the background. I don’t know about you, but I can’t afford to do that kind of stuff more than a few times a month. The rest of the time, I have to resort to cheaposity.

Before we get into the list, let’s look at a few notes on how to use the list:

1. Weekly dates. I recommend you have a date at least once a week with your partner. It doesn’t have to be an expensive one, but at least find some way to spend a couple hours time together. If you’ve got kids, like I do, find a babysitter.
2. Communicate. Romantic gestures don’t take the place of real communication. Take time to talk about your goals, your dreams, your plans for the future, your current lives, things you’re happy about, things you love about the other person, things you’d like to work on, things you’re grateful for.
3. Inspiration. Lists available online contain a lot of obvious stuff — you could probably come up with twice as many good ideas yourself. But the list doesn’t aim for originality — it aims to be an inspiration. Pick and choose some good ideas, or use it to spark some of your own. Sometimes we just need a little reminder.
4. Forget Valentines. Boycott Valentine’s Day, as it makes people think they should be romantic on special occasions. Instead, pick one of these ideas and do it any day of the week — no need for a special occasion.

S. Hein’s checklist for keeping a romantic relationship alive:

• Learn to manage your own negative emotions. The more you can do this, the more you will be available to help your partner.

• Ask “How do I want to feel?” and “What would help me feel better that I can do?” rather than thinking in terms of what someone else could do.

• Ask “How do I want my partner to feel?” and “What can I do to help them feel that way?”

• Be sure you don’t confuse loving someone with needing them. Need is based on insecurity and dependency. When you need someone, you believe you can’t live without them. When you love someone, you can be happy alone and you can continue to love them even after you are no longer romantic partners.

• When you feel bad for something you did, tell your partner immediately. Ask for forgiveness and/or offer restitution.

• If your apology is not accepted, you must forgive yourself. You can only offer an apology, you can’t force someone to accept it.

• Learn to explain your emotions without blaming your partner for them. Take responsibility for your own insecurities, defensiveness and unmet emotional needs.

• It is necessary to assume responsibility and ask for help, rather than expect or demand your partner do anything to help you feel better.

• Also remember there is a difference between caring about how someone feels vs. feeling responsible for how they are feeling or for making them feel better.

• And sometimes, although full disclosure is the ideal, perhaps it will be better to keep your feelings to yourself, or share them later on.

• Become aware of your unmet emotional needs (UEN’s) from your childhood.
  

• Remember that happiness is something you bring into a relationship more than something you get out of it.

• Learn to change your demands into preferences, and reduce the demands you place on your partner.