It’s Easy To Be Romantic

by Zen Habits

Look for little, inexpensive ways to be romantic, and it will pay off for your relationship in innumerable ways.

Why inexpensive? Well, you could rent a limo and take your love to a snooty French restaurant, or whisk him or her off to a trip to the snow-capped Alps, or rent a stadium and have the Three Tenors sing love songs for you while the New York Philharmonic plays in the background. I don’t know about you, but I can’t afford to do that kind of stuff more than a few times a month. The rest of the time, I have to resort to cheaposity.

Before we get into the list, let’s look at a few notes on how to use the list:

1. Weekly dates. I recommend you have a date at least once a week with your partner. It doesn’t have to be an expensive one, but at least find some way to spend a couple hours time together. If you’ve got kids, like I do, find a babysitter.
2. Communicate. Romantic gestures don’t take the place of real communication. Take time to talk about your goals, your dreams, your plans for the future, your current lives, things you’re happy about, things you love about the other person, things you’d like to work on, things you’re grateful for.
3. Inspiration. Lists available online contain a lot of obvious stuff — you could probably come up with twice as many good ideas yourself. But the list doesn’t aim for originality — it aims to be an inspiration. Pick and choose some good ideas, or use it to spark some of your own. Sometimes we just need a little reminder.
4. Forget Valentines. Boycott Valentine’s Day, as it makes people think they should be romantic on special occasions. Instead, pick one of these ideas and do it any day of the week — no need for a special occasion.

by Samuel Stoddard

Romance is a nebulous thing with the curious property of being describable but not definable. We won’t muck with your head and try to suggest there’s an ultimate definitive definition out there. Some people will try to do just that and come up with some tidy little definition, like, “Romance is showing you care.” Sure, it sounds good at first, but although draping your coat over a puddle and asking if she remembered to brush her teeth that morning may be actions triggered by this same motivation, they rate distinctly differently on the romance scale.

Although it’s not so much a definition, as it is no more precise than the word “romance” itself, one way to describe romance succinctly is “what women want out of a relationship.” In other words, men aren’t romantic, and if you’re a man, that’s why you need this guide. If you’re a woman, of course, you were born with an innate knowledge of this stuff and need not read further.

by Michael Webb

While the weather is still nice we are more likely to have afternoon picnics at the lake or walks in the woods, exploring rivers and streams. Beaches are also a popular destination that time of year. Wouldn’t it be neat if you found a bottle with a note in one of those bodies of water?
I remember when I was a kid (many say I am still one) I would look all over in hopes of discovering a floating bottle with a message inside. I admit I would still like to find one.
The chances of you discovering such a bottle is nearly 100% if you plant it there yourself. The idea is for you to hide the bottle where it is unlikely for anyone else to discover and then take your sweetheart on a picnic or walk for him or her to discover the mysterious bottle in the water.
While any old bottle will do, you might want to shop or rummage around for one that is really interesting or at least would make a nice bud vase. My wife really likes the dark blue wine bottles to put on the table with a few flowers
in them. The reason for picking out a nice bottle is that it is likely going to be kept as a memento of the wonderful romantic surprise you pulled off.
What you put inside the bottle is completely up to you. It can be as simple as a love note or as creative as a treasure map (soaked in hot tea and with its edges burned off to make it look aged) that will lead your darling to a present you have hidden or buried, or even a picnic that you have secretly
prepared in the woods or park.

S. Hein’s checklist for keeping a romantic relationship alive:

• Learn to manage your own negative emotions. The more you can do this, the more you will be available to help your partner.

• Ask “How do I want to feel?” and “What would help me feel better that I can do?” rather than thinking in terms of what someone else could do.

• Ask “How do I want my partner to feel?” and “What can I do to help them feel that way?”

• Be sure you don’t confuse loving someone with needing them. Need is based on insecurity and dependency. When you need someone, you believe you can’t live without them. When you love someone, you can be happy alone and you can continue to love them even after you are no longer romantic partners.

• When you feel bad for something you did, tell your partner immediately. Ask for forgiveness and/or offer restitution.

• If your apology is not accepted, you must forgive yourself. You can only offer an apology, you can’t force someone to accept it.

• Learn to explain your emotions without blaming your partner for them. Take responsibility for your own insecurities, defensiveness and unmet emotional needs.

• It is necessary to assume responsibility and ask for help, rather than expect or demand your partner do anything to help you feel better.

• Also remember there is a difference between caring about how someone feels vs. feeling responsible for how they are feeling or for making them feel better.

• And sometimes, although full disclosure is the ideal, perhaps it will be better to keep your feelings to yourself, or share them later on.

• Become aware of your unmet emotional needs (UEN’s) from your childhood.
  

• Remember that happiness is something you bring into a relationship more than something you get out of it.

• Learn to change your demands into preferences, and reduce the demands you place on your partner.